About a year before my son X was born I had an ectopic pregnancy. I did not even know I was pregnant. Something in my body just didn’t feel right. Someone looked at me and asked “could you be pregnant?” I went out and bought a home test immediately.
I came home, took the test and while I waited for the results I sat with some friends and played a game of Magic the Gathering. Once the first game ended, I grabbed the test off the end table, looked at it and fled to the bathroom. It was positive. I was pregnant. I did not want a child, I just went through a very traumatic and heart-breaking ordeal.
I couldn’t deal with being pregnant. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried. K kept knocking on the bathroom door trying to get in, to see if I was okay. I sat with my back to the tub and my feet on the door to reinforce the lock. I couldn’t be around anyone. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want this child but the was I was raised, the cult culture that my mother drilled into my head was “Abortion is murder”. I was scared, I was hurting, and I was angry!
K finally broke down the door and all I could do was hand him the test and say “I don’t understand, god took away my children for things out of my control and now thinks I should be a mom… I don’t understand why I just cant have my other children back!” I was barely 22/23 years old. Now mind you, religion had not been a huge part of my life until my mother stole me from my foster family when I was 16. I had not yet realized I was an atheist, I was still learning and exploring. I was just beginning to come out of the brainwashing but some things were still heavily ingrained.
K just held me and told me things would be okay. Things were NOT okay! The weekend hit and I went with a friend to LARP (Live Action Role Play). I loved it. We went every weekend. However, while we were playing I doubled over in pain and could not get back up. Something was terribly wrong inside me.
My friend carried me to my apartment. He told K that I just doubled over screaming and clutching my stomach. K immediately got me to the ER. The ER doctor examined me and said it was a threatened miscarriage. I freaked out. I didn’t want what was inside of me but I also had not yet decided what to do about it. I was put on bedrest.
Monday comes and K left to go pay rent. I was waiting on him to take me to the doctor’s appointment that was set up over the weekend. Now, let me back up a bit. Throughout the weekend the pain got much worse. I couldn’t even walk to the bathroom. I had to lay on the floor and se my arms to drag me because moving my legs and the lower half of my body was impossible due to the pain.
I am sitting near the window where K left me with the phone in hand just in case. The phone rang and I answered hoping it was him telling me he was on his way. It was a telemarketer, I went off on this poor women and even told her I was having a miscarriage. She stayed on the phone with me until K got back trying to offer me comfort.
We get to the hospital and get in the room. The doctor does an internal ultrasound (which hurt like a bitch). She looks at me and tells me to empty my bladder. K takes me in the bathroom I pee but only this dark red, almost black fluid comes out (it’s been doing this all weekend). We go back out and again the doctor inserts this painful ultrasound into my vagina. All I hear is “OMG” coming out of the doctor’s mouth. I looked over at K and begged, crying for him to just let me die. I knew I was dying. I could feel it. My insides were ripping me apart. I just kept repeating that phrase “Just let me die with my baby, I am so tired.”
I wouldn’t let them put an IV in me, I used the last of my strength to fight them. I wanted to die. I was ready, it was my time, I had already lived through so much trauma, I just wanted to be free. K laid across me and told the doctor “She isn’t in her right mind, she doesn’t understand what she is saying. Get her to surgery.” The doctor had just told him if I did not have surgery in the next couple of minutes I was going to die. I yelled (thought I yelled but I was weak so it was probably a whisper) “I know what I am saying, I am clear headed, let me die with my child, I do not want to live. You cannot make me have this surgery. I REFUSE TREATMENT”.
They had no identification on my arms (the little bracelets you get when you are checked in at the hospital). They took me to surgery without my consent operated on me, without my consent, and saved my life without my consent. To me, I was killing my child. To them, I was dying because this embryo ruptured my fallopian tube and had caused me to internally bleed for 6 weeks. A parasite was killing me.
I woke abruptly in my recovery room because I stopped breathing. My eyes flew open my body was in a panic, and my brain did not know how to put breath in my body because I had been so heavily sedated and there were no more machines breathing for me. My mouth was open, I was clutching at my throat, K was trying to call the nurse and help me at the same time when finally my whole body released and air wooshed into my lungs.
We went home after a few more hours. A couple days after that, I could walk (with pain) and K and I had our first knock down drag out fight because I told him he felt nothing about what I had just gone through and that he forced me to kill our child. I told him that I hated him for forcing me to live. I did not have a choice in the matter. I logically knew that I was not a murdering bitch, but my heart and y brain refused to let me believe it because of all the indoctrination of my mother and her cult leaders in the “Bible Holiness Church”.
It took several years before I truly understood the magnitude of what had happened to me. I have since forgiven K because I realized that he did save my life and I truly love my life….NOW. More importantly, I forgave myself for believing those vicious, life-threatening lies that abortion is murder and that women are only good for creating babies.
Do you all see the danger that religion presents to women? I was willing and wanting to die because I believed that a life saving operation was murder. There was no embryo in me, there was no fetus, there was no right fallopian tube. There was only blood and death. Politics and religion do not belong in the womb!
I want Ohio lawmakers to tell me exactly how they would have taken that non-existent embryo and reimplanted it into my uterus.